What I Learned About Myself on EVRYMAN’s MELT Retreat

Full-bodied. That’s how I feel after my weekend retreat with EVRYMAN. Like a fine wine, I’m rich with processing, weighty with learning, my emotions are complex, and I feel full of new friendships.

I have been working with EVRYMAN, a men’s wellness organization where men connect and help each other to lead more successful and fulfilling lives since the spring of 2020, at the start of the pandemic when isolation and lockdowns, and quarantining meant a lack of connection for so many. Over the course of the past year and a half, I have grown close to the amazing team, as well as countless members. But connecting on Zoom, as wonderfully handy as it is, doesn’t allow for that in-person energy that I crave. So when I heard we were hosting a retreat in New York in October, I asked to sign up before there was even a list! EVRYMAN offers a variety of retreats, and MELT (Men’s Emotional Leadership Training) is for men who are interested in becoming a coach or are already working as one. (Like me!)

The retreat was held at The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York. This location had an added layer of emotion for me. Shortly after my husband and I separated my dear friend and yogi, Erin, gave me the book Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser. It’s all about loss and it was my bible for the first few months of confusion and exhaustion during my divorce. Lesser was one of the founders of The Omega Institute back in the 70s and I hoped that one day I could go on a retreat at this very special place. The universe heard me loud and clear. (Keep vocalizing your intentions!)

Arriving at the retreat felt like the opening scene in a bromance movie. Boarding the train at Moynihan Station in NYC, I peeped out Mike Sagun, the other gay coach, and facilitator at EVRYMAN who I have bonded with over the years. I texted him, saved his seat, and gave him the biggest hug when we met.

Once I settled into my cabin at Omega, I explored the grounds, the gardens, and the Ram Das library (!), and mapped out where the dining hall and meeting rooms were. I’ve always been a nerd about mapping out a place so I won’t get lost. (It was that one year of Boy Scouts, I guess!)

Friday evening we all came together for the first time. Chairs arranged in a big circle, men milling about, greeting each other, and settling in. If you are a member of EVRYMAN you can sign up for a private men’s group (on Zoom) that meets once a week. Some of those groups planned to come to the retreat together, and it was heartwarming to see them connect for the first time IRL, abounding with hugs and smiles.

The weekend unfolded, and it was powerful, exhilarating, and exhausting. But the things that really resonated with me are:

• Recharging my coaching skills and reigniting my passion for it
• Being in person with all of these amazing men
• The power of connection

I know I am a good coach because I pour my heart and soul into what I do. But I am also an avid learner, and I was excited to spend the weekend with the emotional A-team of EVRYMAN. Not only was it wonderful to break into smaller groups and take turns coaching each other while the other men witnessed (yes, we open up about real personal issues and it can get very intense), but it was so beneficial to get the feedback on how we did and ways we can improve. After one session when my ‘client’ went into a real deep dive, my feedback from another man, Michael, was, “Your superpower is providing a loving safe space for people.” I welled up in tears. How validating.

I also got to witness some heart-opening inner child work that led to profound healing for one man, and another coach simply sitting with a man witnessing his rage and giving him the space to release it. In one session I was able to sob uncontrollably and release sadness I had pent up for ages. Mike placed a hand over my heart and on my back and just held me. Touch can be so profound, especially after not having it for over a year with COVID. It’s the one part of my Zoom coaching I have trouble with and it certainly makes me think about offering more in-person coaching. There is power in this kind of connection.

This weekend was more amazing, more special, more magical than I could have ever imagined. After spending a long weekend with the team, I feel so much more connected with them. The retreat has brought me new friends with who I am excited to get to know better and know I can drop deep with. But the biggest takeaway was the learning. Continuing to stretch myself, to be curious, to be vulnerable.

On the last day when we were each recapping what we learned and how we felt, one of the EVRYMAN elders, Michael Lipson, described feeling ‘creamy.’ ’This description brought me so much joy and laughter. I will be using that one! Thank you, Michael. (When was the last time you felt creamy?!)

For our last exercise together, each of us had to come up with a work statement. Described by EVRYMAN as ‘a short, pithy statement that owns an element of growth that you have agreed to embody.’ Mine is: I am OK not knowing.

For those of you who know me well, that is hard for me to say out loud. But I am proud of myself for sharing this insecurity with the world. Perfection is something I have put too much emphasis on for too long. It’s ok that I am still learning, that I don’t know it all. As a matter of fact, that may be the most exciting part, deepening the learning on an ongoing basis.

So having shared all of that: How are you continuing to learn? Stretching yourself? Staying curious? We can all get stuck in our routines or feel too busy to make time for new things. But staying curious, and learning new things is a beautiful way to spend our time.

You don’t have to sign up for a master's degree in finance, but why not try a finance workshop online? Needing to feel more artistic? Sign up for a collage course online or in-person and let the cutting out and creativity flow! Or pick up a copy of The Artist’s Way and connect more deeply with yourself while you learn about morning pages, unblocking, and taking yourself on weekly dates. (Seriously! Perhaps include a glass of wine on that date and contemplate the ways in which you feel like a fine wine… Flamboyant? Bright? Complex? Earthy? Elegant? Or perhaps even Creamy!)

Continuing education and exploration can be a great way to connect with new people, new experiences, or simply reconnect with yourself. We only have 4000 weeks on this Earth. We might as well use them to the best of our ability!

Carpe Diem y’all.